Dearest Jill,
Please remember that I still wear the ring I wore when I was with Diane for you. I miss you so very much. I still feel you so strongly. Not knowing what is causing these feelings is so difficult. It saps me of my strength.
I really don't have anyone to tell it to, but I was asked on a live international peace show on LiveVideo and was received very well. They like my zany humor all over the world, it seems. They also like the message I bring to them of loving instead of hating and killing and of treating women with respect instead of abusing them and showing them disrespect. I've connected with other composers and musicians and they really loved "Jill's Song," which I got to air and give you a special message that you did not get to hear. Now, I'm laughing on the outside as I'm crying on the inside. I've learned to act well enough to cover it for the most part, but occasionally, someone will notice the sadness in my eyes and ask me why in a PM on the show.
I'll be here all alone until after Christmas and without you in my life, I can feel no joy. I can still do what I need to do and act happy about it, but inside, my heart is bleeding for you. Must you be so cruel? Must you deny me at every turn? Must you withold your feelings for me until death? Is that fair to you? Is that really fair to me?
I know how strongly we are bound. I feel it every second I'm awake. I know you must think of me sometimes because, occasionally, I can feel the love. I just wonder if you can feel the love I send to you so very often?
If you'll stop and think about it, you will see that I was only upset and anxious when you told me your life was in danger. We got to spend a little real time on the phone when I wasn't so worried. You told me that you had gotten away from the danger and I was able to relax and be as it would be if you were with me. It worried me when he found where you were and sent the messenger, then you cut off contact, but I'm doing my best not to let it worry me now. I know that you are in God's hands and will work through whatever problems are besetting you. Being upset and worried about it only makes you feel worse through the link and I don't want you to feel anything you don't have to as you fight this cancer and the physical problems related to the surgeries. I do continue to pray for you throughout the day and when I go to bed. Please hang in there and don't give up hope.
I wish I could share with you all the things with which I am involved. The tide is changing and in spite of the things that are to come, I can see that there is a new day, a new life, beyond. I am seeing that the things I have been working for are prevailing. I wanted you to be by my side as I rose up that you might share these wonderful things with me. The transition is as glorious and exciting as the final result will be.
I'm doing what I can to occupy my time. I'm trying to make as many people laugh as possible and help as many people through their problems as I possibly can. Even many who have turned away have come back because they see that I am who I say I am and not some phony who just pretends like most of the people on the internet. That is comforting and helps me get through the days, but I still wonder how you are doing and what you are going through at this stage. I had an EKG the other day because I thought that it might really be my heart this time. Everything else in my life seemed to be going well. When I found that my heart was fine, it brought deep concern in my heart for you and I spent the day fasting and praying for you. I know that God does perform miracles through me because many have been healed of cancer and things even worse through my prayers. The energy that flows through me is so strong sometimes that it feels like my hair is standing on end. I sometimes call it "energy itch," though itch isn't really a descriptive word for it. Scratching does seem to help sometimes, though.
Be sweet and think of all the beautiful things that are going to happen in the world and how beautiful it will be when the changes take place. It is something that's going to be worth staying alive to see. Think of every beautiful thing you've ever seen or experienced and think of that being multiplied tenfold. Think of all the beauty that you could be helping to bring to the world through your kindness to others. Think of how it will be when everyone is helpoing one another and cooperating with one another instead of hoarding and taking from others. It's already happening and it will be something to behold.
Love,
Cal
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Through the Eyes Of a Child
Dear Jill,
This might give you some idea of what it is that attracts me to you so much. Never before did I find someone who exceeded Diane in every aspect.
It looks like my insurance isn't going to pay for the removal of my skin cancer, so I guess I'll have to do it myself. I could just let it keep reducing in size, but it might be better for me to remove it before it has more of a chance to spread.
I thought I was having some difficulty with my heart, so I went in for another EKG, but they said my heart was fine. It only leaves me with knowing that you must be going through something very difficult and painful. Since I don't see things visually the way you do, it leaves me guessing at what might be causing it. It honestly makes things much more difficult for me not knowing what's going on. If I know what it is, I can deal with it, but guessing just makes my imagination run wild, especially knowing what Diane went through.
It was all new to me when Diane went through it and I was unprepared for what I would see and experience. Now I know the things that occur and can handle them much better. I do hope you will eventually let me know how you're doing. I am continually praying for you and sending you as much energy as I can bear. It's left me in the bed most of the last several days, but I know that you can get through this. They caught yours earlier than they did Diane's.
Here's the story...
Love,
Cal
This might give you some idea of what it is that attracts me to you so much. Never before did I find someone who exceeded Diane in every aspect.
It looks like my insurance isn't going to pay for the removal of my skin cancer, so I guess I'll have to do it myself. I could just let it keep reducing in size, but it might be better for me to remove it before it has more of a chance to spread.
I thought I was having some difficulty with my heart, so I went in for another EKG, but they said my heart was fine. It only leaves me with knowing that you must be going through something very difficult and painful. Since I don't see things visually the way you do, it leaves me guessing at what might be causing it. It honestly makes things much more difficult for me not knowing what's going on. If I know what it is, I can deal with it, but guessing just makes my imagination run wild, especially knowing what Diane went through.
It was all new to me when Diane went through it and I was unprepared for what I would see and experience. Now I know the things that occur and can handle them much better. I do hope you will eventually let me know how you're doing. I am continually praying for you and sending you as much energy as I can bear. It's left me in the bed most of the last several days, but I know that you can get through this. They caught yours earlier than they did Diane's.
Here's the story...
Love,
Cal
Through the Eyes of a Child
When I was about 5, I had a bamboo flute. I had almost forgotten about it. As I was looking at something totally unrelated to music, the thought of it popped into my mind.
I used to take the flute outside and play it all the time as I walked with the little girl next door hunting for caterpillars spinning their cocoons about to hatch into butterflies,
looking for Horny Toads,
looking for buttercups with which we could turn each others' noses yellow,
and all the other things a couple of young, adventurous children who were old in spirit might living right on Buffalo Bayou before the concrete might do. Sometimes I would play the flute as she combed my hair, dipping the comb in water each time before she ran the comb through my hair. Sometimes we would just walk along the edge of the bayou, hand in hand, talking. Sometimes, we'd just lay in the grass and look for shapes in the clouds.
These things seemed to bring us great pleasure in life. As I think on it, they brought me much greater pleasure than electronics and vehicles. We shared a love with one another that was both caring and carefree. Of course, when we were about 8, things started changing and I lost my flute. My mom finding it in a drawer with a roach in it, promptly threw it in the trash.
(Diane shortly before finding out she had cancer)
I didn't regain such a relationship until I met Diane, who, in spite of her intelligence and often critical nature, could see things with me through the eyes of a child. She was beautiful when we met and never seemed any less beautiful to me as she aged, in spite of the changes to her body. It took a few years of living together and working out our differences before we got there, but we got there and it was wonderful.
It takes more than just beauty, intelligence, and sexuality to stimulate me. It takes spiritual insight and the ability to see things through the eyes of a child. So many have forgotten how to do that these days. It seems like everyone is just after quick, thoughtless, self-gratification. Is there any wonder that so few truly know the meaning of love anymore?
Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ Is With Us All,
Cal-el
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Another Letter to Jill
Dear Jill,
It would take me the rest of my life to tell you how I feel about you and to learn all I want to know about you and share all the things I want to share with you. I hope you are recovering well from your cancer surgery and have gotten into a better place. It worried me a little that you wanted to go back to where you lived, but I do understand the feeling of wanting to be in a familiar place when you're that ill.
I hope you get through everything ok and I hope that I one day hear how you are doing. I wish you realized how big a strain on my heart knowing what you're going through and not knowing how you're doing is. If I didn't really love you, it wouldn't matter to me much.
I wish I had the ability to see things the way you can. All I can do is feel the sensations for the most part. I only see when it's really necessary, like with Bill and a few other instances, so sometimes the feelings are confusing to me. It was much easier for me when I knew what was happening.
One more thing before I go. Please quit breaking into my computer and deleting things. You probably didn't mean to, but you've messed up some of the programs and drivers I need to do my work. If you want my Multiply password again so you can see what's going on, please just ask.
Love,
Cal
P.S. I don't want to have to press charges, but if I have to, I will. If it's not you, I apologize, but the only thing missing was your pictures.
It would take me the rest of my life to tell you how I feel about you and to learn all I want to know about you and share all the things I want to share with you. I hope you are recovering well from your cancer surgery and have gotten into a better place. It worried me a little that you wanted to go back to where you lived, but I do understand the feeling of wanting to be in a familiar place when you're that ill.
I hope you get through everything ok and I hope that I one day hear how you are doing. I wish you realized how big a strain on my heart knowing what you're going through and not knowing how you're doing is. If I didn't really love you, it wouldn't matter to me much.
I wish I had the ability to see things the way you can. All I can do is feel the sensations for the most part. I only see when it's really necessary, like with Bill and a few other instances, so sometimes the feelings are confusing to me. It was much easier for me when I knew what was happening.
One more thing before I go. Please quit breaking into my computer and deleting things. You probably didn't mean to, but you've messed up some of the programs and drivers I need to do my work. If you want my Multiply password again so you can see what's going on, please just ask.
Love,
Cal
P.S. I don't want to have to press charges, but if I have to, I will. If it's not you, I apologize, but the only thing missing was your pictures.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Message to Jill
December 8, 2008
Dear Jill,
I am writing this here because I rarely use it and no one reads anything here. Since you seem to think I'm an ogre who never considered your needs or interests, I think I should remind you of some things. I know your bipolar condition causes you problems with your thinking and perhaps your memory and I think you often confuse me with people you've known in the past.
You told me your son was in a wheelchair and needed an assisted living apartment in which to live. There is a very nice one right next to my doctor's office and it's 3 buildings from a hospital. I told you about the rehabilitation center in Houston that's about 50 miles away (not a large distance for someone from Houston), that does special research and rehabilitation for people with such problems and who could help with things that might make his life easier.
You told me that your other son gets into trouble often. I'm not sure what could be done about that other than counseling and guidance. It sounds like he's pretty well known by the police in that area and this might be a good place for him to start over if he's ready to try to make some changes, but make no mistake... the police in this area don't play games and Huntsville State Prison is not a pleasant place for people who are incarcerated. He would have to get his act together and act responsibly.
As far as your condition, there are very good centers for treatment and good psychiatrists and psychologists in the area. The place I went near the Woodlands after losing Diane is one of the best.
We discussed these things on the phone, but I don't know if your mind was in a state where you really heard me.
On your reaction to me sending you some small presents for your birthday, I would like to ask you a question. When you sent that gift to that woman for her cat, were you expecting something? I wasn't when I sent you the gifts. I wasn't when I sent Nigel the things I made for him. Some of us give simply because we want to do something nice for people. I understand what you've been through, but I'm honestly not that type of person. I could have used that money to buy a guitar, but I was more concerned with your needs than mine.
I know that the last time we talked, you tried to imply that there must be something bad or evil about me because of the other people you had been attracted to. Why you were attracted to me, I'm not really sure. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm nothing like those people, unless what you told me about them was a lie.
You've accused me of wanting the limelight, when that is about the farthest thing from the truth that you could say. What exposure I do need, I need to promote others. Look at people like Heidi Little and Marie' Digby. I just try to help others make good of their talents. I'm not on par with that kind of talent, but I do know enough to be able to know who is good and who deserves a chance. If I see someone who would be a good influence on others, I do what I can to help them.
You may never see this, but I'm writing it anyway. Perhaps when I'm gone, if you're still living, you'll be able to look back on this and understand the errors in your perception of me. Although I hope you do so that you can understand how much you were truly loved, I really don't know if you'll ever understand.
Love,
Cal
Dear Jill,
I am writing this here because I rarely use it and no one reads anything here. Since you seem to think I'm an ogre who never considered your needs or interests, I think I should remind you of some things. I know your bipolar condition causes you problems with your thinking and perhaps your memory and I think you often confuse me with people you've known in the past.
You told me your son was in a wheelchair and needed an assisted living apartment in which to live. There is a very nice one right next to my doctor's office and it's 3 buildings from a hospital. I told you about the rehabilitation center in Houston that's about 50 miles away (not a large distance for someone from Houston), that does special research and rehabilitation for people with such problems and who could help with things that might make his life easier.
You told me that your other son gets into trouble often. I'm not sure what could be done about that other than counseling and guidance. It sounds like he's pretty well known by the police in that area and this might be a good place for him to start over if he's ready to try to make some changes, but make no mistake... the police in this area don't play games and Huntsville State Prison is not a pleasant place for people who are incarcerated. He would have to get his act together and act responsibly.
As far as your condition, there are very good centers for treatment and good psychiatrists and psychologists in the area. The place I went near the Woodlands after losing Diane is one of the best.
We discussed these things on the phone, but I don't know if your mind was in a state where you really heard me.
On your reaction to me sending you some small presents for your birthday, I would like to ask you a question. When you sent that gift to that woman for her cat, were you expecting something? I wasn't when I sent you the gifts. I wasn't when I sent Nigel the things I made for him. Some of us give simply because we want to do something nice for people. I understand what you've been through, but I'm honestly not that type of person. I could have used that money to buy a guitar, but I was more concerned with your needs than mine.
I know that the last time we talked, you tried to imply that there must be something bad or evil about me because of the other people you had been attracted to. Why you were attracted to me, I'm not really sure. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm nothing like those people, unless what you told me about them was a lie.
You've accused me of wanting the limelight, when that is about the farthest thing from the truth that you could say. What exposure I do need, I need to promote others. Look at people like Heidi Little and Marie' Digby. I just try to help others make good of their talents. I'm not on par with that kind of talent, but I do know enough to be able to know who is good and who deserves a chance. If I see someone who would be a good influence on others, I do what I can to help them.
You may never see this, but I'm writing it anyway. Perhaps when I'm gone, if you're still living, you'll be able to look back on this and understand the errors in your perception of me. Although I hope you do so that you can understand how much you were truly loved, I really don't know if you'll ever understand.
Love,
Cal
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Christmas Without You
I know I should be happy
With my dreams all coming true
That is, but for the memory
Of what I had with you
I know I should be smiling
But I am feeling blue
Because of the sweet mem'ry
Of what I had with you
I thought it would be easy
To simply just forget
It's been so easy in the past
But this one just won't slip
I feel you oh, so strongly
And wonder how you are
I wonder how we ever let
Things get this so bizzare
How I've longed to see you
And hold you in my arms
To hear your dainty voice again
And see your smile so warm
I wonder how your health is
I wonder where you are
I wonder why I'm feeling you
Although you are so far
And so I sit here weeping
A smile upon my face
And wish you Merry Christmas
Hanging my head in disgrace
For somehow I have let you down
And failed to earn your trust
So all that I have left inside
Is feelings of disgust
With my dreams all coming true
That is, but for the memory
Of what I had with you
I know I should be smiling
But I am feeling blue
Because of the sweet mem'ry
Of what I had with you
I thought it would be easy
To simply just forget
It's been so easy in the past
But this one just won't slip
I feel you oh, so strongly
And wonder how you are
I wonder how we ever let
Things get this so bizzare
How I've longed to see you
And hold you in my arms
To hear your dainty voice again
And see your smile so warm
I wonder how your health is
I wonder where you are
I wonder why I'm feeling you
Although you are so far
And so I sit here weeping
A smile upon my face
And wish you Merry Christmas
Hanging my head in disgrace
For somehow I have let you down
And failed to earn your trust
So all that I have left inside
Is feelings of disgust
Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings
Without Your Love
Trying to escape your love
Is like trying to escape
From the gravity of a million suns
Denying my feelings to pursue happiness
Tears at the very fabric of my soul
Though you care not
You send shards of shattered glass into my heart
And there is no escape
Without your presence
I drift on a collision course
No power to steer
Away from eminent disaster
You have left me in the cold
Darkness of space
Drifting without sight
The thrusters will not fire
Programmed only for your touch
No one else can man the controls
Without your love
My fate is sealed
Without your tender voice
I find no comfort
The music in my heart is gone
My soul has died
Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings
Is like trying to escape
From the gravity of a million suns
Denying my feelings to pursue happiness
Tears at the very fabric of my soul
Though you care not
You send shards of shattered glass into my heart
And there is no escape
Without your presence
I drift on a collision course
No power to steer
Away from eminent disaster
You have left me in the cold
Darkness of space
Drifting without sight
The thrusters will not fire
Programmed only for your touch
No one else can man the controls
Without your love
My fate is sealed
Without your tender voice
I find no comfort
The music in my heart is gone
My soul has died
Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings
Monday, November 10, 2008
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