Dear Jill,
I was looking at the most recent picture I had of you. I'm glad you gained some weight before your surgery. Hopefully, that will see you through.
You may have changed your name, but that doesn't change who you are, nor does it change the connection we have. It's been difficult for me, really, feeling the experiences and not knowing what they are. I pray for you, but don't know really exactly what I'm praying for. Hopefully, it's enough to be praying for your healing.
Woodstock is going ok. The musicians are talking with their agents and working out the details and some of them are interested in WORLDstock, too. I might let the head of Musicians and Fine Artists for World Peace handle the details since he's experienced at it and is interested as well.
The LiveShows are going well and I met that woman who was showing her collar on YouTube on LiveVideo and we are friends now. She had problems with her ex posting sex videos of her as well, so she certainly understands what you went through with that. Lorielle's show has been going well and she's been offered another part, so she's moving up well. I got invited onto an international peace LiveShow, I think I mentioned that in another message. It went well, too.
I'm not looking for stardom. I mainly like to promote others who I think are good people and do well. It's just nice to bring smiles to people's faces and make them laugh. That brings some pleasure to my otherwise dull existence.
I'm not sure if I'm going to my sister's house for Christmas Eve or not. I just haven't been in much of a Christmas spirit not knowing what's going on with you. I miss you very much.
Love,
Cal
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Diane
Today is a bit of a sad day for me. Seven years ago today, Diane passed away. I had hoped she would make it to Christmas, but she didn't. I had brought Christmas to her a little early just in case. She was at a hospice center in Houston. It was a very nice, very expensive center. She had a private room with a beautiful view. We had put a small Christmas tree in the room for her.
I had gone home the previous night to feed the dogs and take care of a few things around the house since she seemed to be doing relatively well. I got a call from her on the morning of the 19th and she seemed to be in good spirits. She asked for a few things and I told her I would find them and bring them to her.
Just as I had found the things she asked for and was headed out to the car, I got a phone call from her dad, telling me that she had passed away. It was a long drive from Texas City to the hospice center where she was. It took me about an hour to get there and find parking. When I got there, her family was upset that it took me so long. I wasn't doing too well myself at that time and was having to use a motorized cart to get around, but they didn't consider that. I guess they were just upset from Diane's passing.
I went to her room and saw her and gave her cold lips a kiss goodbye. It was a pretty difficult thing to experience, especially after losing my 5 closest friends and my dog, Samanta, earlier that year.
If I don't seem especially joyous around Christmas, perhaps this will help you understand why. In addition to Diane's death, not knowing Jill's condition has compounded that grief. Having gone through it, being disabled and spending every single day of Diane's demise with her, it's harder not knowing how Jill is doing. I know what to expect. I know the stages. I know the difficulty of the treatments and the stretching of the esophagus. I've been though it. Not being able to help and comfort makes things pretty unbearable for me. Anyway, this is about Diane, not Jill, but I thought you should know in case I seem unusually harsh or bitter some days. Back to Diane.
Diane and I had some good times over the years. We were about as different as night and day in many ways, which made the first five years pretty difficult. Once we got all our difficulties worked out and she decided she wanted to get married, though, things were pretty nice, except for her occasional flings. They didn't happen often, though, so it was bearable.
Here is a picture from one of those good times. I had a better one, but this one seems to be the only one that survives. Diane didn't have her head positioned right and I don't have the expression on my face that I had in the other one when we were ready, but here it is anyway:
Merry Christmas
Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ Is With Us All,
Cal-el
Today is a bit of a sad day for me. Seven years ago today, Diane passed away. I had hoped she would make it to Christmas, but she didn't. I had brought Christmas to her a little early just in case. She was at a hospice center in Houston. It was a very nice, very expensive center. She had a private room with a beautiful view. We had put a small Christmas tree in the room for her.
I had gone home the previous night to feed the dogs and take care of a few things around the house since she seemed to be doing relatively well. I got a call from her on the morning of the 19th and she seemed to be in good spirits. She asked for a few things and I told her I would find them and bring them to her.
Just as I had found the things she asked for and was headed out to the car, I got a phone call from her dad, telling me that she had passed away. It was a long drive from Texas City to the hospice center where she was. It took me about an hour to get there and find parking. When I got there, her family was upset that it took me so long. I wasn't doing too well myself at that time and was having to use a motorized cart to get around, but they didn't consider that. I guess they were just upset from Diane's passing.
I went to her room and saw her and gave her cold lips a kiss goodbye. It was a pretty difficult thing to experience, especially after losing my 5 closest friends and my dog, Samanta, earlier that year.
If I don't seem especially joyous around Christmas, perhaps this will help you understand why. In addition to Diane's death, not knowing Jill's condition has compounded that grief. Having gone through it, being disabled and spending every single day of Diane's demise with her, it's harder not knowing how Jill is doing. I know what to expect. I know the stages. I know the difficulty of the treatments and the stretching of the esophagus. I've been though it. Not being able to help and comfort makes things pretty unbearable for me. Anyway, this is about Diane, not Jill, but I thought you should know in case I seem unusually harsh or bitter some days. Back to Diane.
Diane and I had some good times over the years. We were about as different as night and day in many ways, which made the first five years pretty difficult. Once we got all our difficulties worked out and she decided she wanted to get married, though, things were pretty nice, except for her occasional flings. They didn't happen often, though, so it was bearable.
Here is a picture from one of those good times. I had a better one, but this one seems to be the only one that survives. Diane didn't have her head positioned right and I don't have the expression on my face that I had in the other one when we were ready, but here it is anyway:
Merry Christmas
Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ Is With Us All,
Cal-el
Letter to Jill About Teri
Teri got pissed that I removed her as a contact, so I blocked her. I may lose some writing friends over it, but I really don't care. After her hypocritical remarks on Will's blog, I really didn't want to have any more to do with her anyway. I can't stand someone who presents themselves as a "good little preacher's daughter" who condems others for being unfaithful to their husbands at the same time that she's hot chatting with 10 different men and making plans to sleep with them. People like her give Christians a bad name. At least Leon has an excuse for his ignorant rants, missing part of his brain.
I've been keeping myself pretty busy with the Woodstock 40th Anniversary committee and have been doing some LiveShows for world peace. I felt like my time was wasted on the international show yesterday because the hostess was driving in her car with her laptop and not interacting with the viewers. I guess some of the people there must be gaga over the hostess or something and they find it fascinating to watch her drive down the freeway listening to the radio where all you can see is her and the sky. Maybe another day.
I just said to heck with everything last night and went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up this morning at 6am. That's probably the most sleep and at the most regular hours as I've had in months.
I hope you are doing well and are getting better.
Love,
Cal
I've been keeping myself pretty busy with the Woodstock 40th Anniversary committee and have been doing some LiveShows for world peace. I felt like my time was wasted on the international show yesterday because the hostess was driving in her car with her laptop and not interacting with the viewers. I guess some of the people there must be gaga over the hostess or something and they find it fascinating to watch her drive down the freeway listening to the radio where all you can see is her and the sky. Maybe another day.
I just said to heck with everything last night and went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up this morning at 6am. That's probably the most sleep and at the most regular hours as I've had in months.
I hope you are doing well and are getting better.
Love,
Cal
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Black Guardian Angels
Dearest Jill,
I never really thought about it before today, but I may know the source of one of your black female angels. There was a young, beautiful, perhaps slightly overweight black woman at one of the nursing homes at which I used to play who I used to talk to. I had played one of my instruments and told her I'd come back and play the other one for her because she wanted to hear it. I missed one week because I was busy and the next week when I brought the other instrument, she had passed away. I'm just curious as to what your angels look like.
Love,
Cal
I never really thought about it before today, but I may know the source of one of your black female angels. There was a young, beautiful, perhaps slightly overweight black woman at one of the nursing homes at which I used to play who I used to talk to. I had played one of my instruments and told her I'd come back and play the other one for her because she wanted to hear it. I missed one week because I was busy and the next week when I brought the other instrument, she had passed away. I'm just curious as to what your angels look like.
Love,
Cal
Letter on December 18th to Jill
Dearest Jill,
Please remember that I still wear the ring I wore when I was with Diane for you. I miss you so very much. I still feel you so strongly. Not knowing what is causing these feelings is so difficult. It saps me of my strength.
I really don't have anyone to tell it to, but I was asked on a live international peace show on LiveVideo and was received very well. They like my zany humor all over the world, it seems. They also like the message I bring to them of loving instead of hating and killing and of treating women with respect instead of abusing them and showing them disrespect. I've connected with other composers and musicians and they really loved "Jill's Song," which I got to air and give you a special message that you did not get to hear. Now, I'm laughing on the outside as I'm crying on the inside. I've learned to act well enough to cover it for the most part, but occasionally, someone will notice the sadness in my eyes and ask me why in a PM on the show.
I'll be here all alone until after Christmas and without you in my life, I can feel no joy. I can still do what I need to do and act happy about it, but inside, my heart is bleeding for you. Must you be so cruel? Must you deny me at every turn? Must you withold your feelings for me until death? Is that fair to you? Is that really fair to me?
I know how strongly we are bound. I feel it every second I'm awake. I know you must think of me sometimes because, occasionally, I can feel the love. I just wonder if you can feel the love I send to you so very often?
If you'll stop and think about it, you will see that I was only upset and anxious when you told me your life was in danger. We got to spend a little real time on the phone when I wasn't so worried. You told me that you had gotten away from the danger and I was able to relax and be as it would be if you were with me. It worried me when he found where you were and sent the messenger, then you cut off contact, but I'm doing my best not to let it worry me now. I know that you are in God's hands and will work through whatever problems are besetting you. Being upset and worried about it only makes you feel worse through the link and I don't want you to feel anything you don't have to as you fight this cancer and the physical problems related to the surgeries. I do continue to pray for you throughout the day and when I go to bed. Please hang in there and don't give up hope.
I wish I could share with you all the things with which I am involved. The tide is changing and in spite of the things that are to come, I can see that there is a new day, a new life, beyond. I am seeing that the things I have been working for are prevailing. I wanted you to be by my side as I rose up that you might share these wonderful things with me. The transition is as glorious and exciting as the final result will be.
I'm doing what I can to occupy my time. I'm trying to make as many people laugh as possible and help as many people through their problems as I possibly can. Even many who have turned away have come back because they see that I am who I say I am and not some phony who just pretends like most of the people on the internet. That is comforting and helps me get through the days, but I still wonder how you are doing and what you are going through at this stage. I had an EKG the other day because I thought that it might really be my heart this time. Everything else in my life seemed to be going well. When I found that my heart was fine, it brought deep concern in my heart for you and I spent the day fasting and praying for you. I know that God does perform miracles through me because many have been healed of cancer and things even worse through my prayers. The energy that flows through me is so strong sometimes that it feels like my hair is standing on end. I sometimes call it "energy itch," though itch isn't really a descriptive word for it. Scratching does seem to help sometimes, though.
Be sweet and think of all the beautiful things that are going to happen in the world and how beautiful it will be when the changes take place. It is something that's going to be worth staying alive to see. Think of every beautiful thing you've ever seen or experienced and think of that being multiplied tenfold. Think of all the beauty that you could be helping to bring to the world through your kindness to others. Think of how it will be when everyone is helpoing one another and cooperating with one another instead of hoarding and taking from others. It's already happening and it will be something to behold.
Love,
Cal
Please remember that I still wear the ring I wore when I was with Diane for you. I miss you so very much. I still feel you so strongly. Not knowing what is causing these feelings is so difficult. It saps me of my strength.
I really don't have anyone to tell it to, but I was asked on a live international peace show on LiveVideo and was received very well. They like my zany humor all over the world, it seems. They also like the message I bring to them of loving instead of hating and killing and of treating women with respect instead of abusing them and showing them disrespect. I've connected with other composers and musicians and they really loved "Jill's Song," which I got to air and give you a special message that you did not get to hear. Now, I'm laughing on the outside as I'm crying on the inside. I've learned to act well enough to cover it for the most part, but occasionally, someone will notice the sadness in my eyes and ask me why in a PM on the show.
I'll be here all alone until after Christmas and without you in my life, I can feel no joy. I can still do what I need to do and act happy about it, but inside, my heart is bleeding for you. Must you be so cruel? Must you deny me at every turn? Must you withold your feelings for me until death? Is that fair to you? Is that really fair to me?
I know how strongly we are bound. I feel it every second I'm awake. I know you must think of me sometimes because, occasionally, I can feel the love. I just wonder if you can feel the love I send to you so very often?
If you'll stop and think about it, you will see that I was only upset and anxious when you told me your life was in danger. We got to spend a little real time on the phone when I wasn't so worried. You told me that you had gotten away from the danger and I was able to relax and be as it would be if you were with me. It worried me when he found where you were and sent the messenger, then you cut off contact, but I'm doing my best not to let it worry me now. I know that you are in God's hands and will work through whatever problems are besetting you. Being upset and worried about it only makes you feel worse through the link and I don't want you to feel anything you don't have to as you fight this cancer and the physical problems related to the surgeries. I do continue to pray for you throughout the day and when I go to bed. Please hang in there and don't give up hope.
I wish I could share with you all the things with which I am involved. The tide is changing and in spite of the things that are to come, I can see that there is a new day, a new life, beyond. I am seeing that the things I have been working for are prevailing. I wanted you to be by my side as I rose up that you might share these wonderful things with me. The transition is as glorious and exciting as the final result will be.
I'm doing what I can to occupy my time. I'm trying to make as many people laugh as possible and help as many people through their problems as I possibly can. Even many who have turned away have come back because they see that I am who I say I am and not some phony who just pretends like most of the people on the internet. That is comforting and helps me get through the days, but I still wonder how you are doing and what you are going through at this stage. I had an EKG the other day because I thought that it might really be my heart this time. Everything else in my life seemed to be going well. When I found that my heart was fine, it brought deep concern in my heart for you and I spent the day fasting and praying for you. I know that God does perform miracles through me because many have been healed of cancer and things even worse through my prayers. The energy that flows through me is so strong sometimes that it feels like my hair is standing on end. I sometimes call it "energy itch," though itch isn't really a descriptive word for it. Scratching does seem to help sometimes, though.
Be sweet and think of all the beautiful things that are going to happen in the world and how beautiful it will be when the changes take place. It is something that's going to be worth staying alive to see. Think of every beautiful thing you've ever seen or experienced and think of that being multiplied tenfold. Think of all the beauty that you could be helping to bring to the world through your kindness to others. Think of how it will be when everyone is helpoing one another and cooperating with one another instead of hoarding and taking from others. It's already happening and it will be something to behold.
Love,
Cal
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Through the Eyes Of a Child
Dear Jill,
This might give you some idea of what it is that attracts me to you so much. Never before did I find someone who exceeded Diane in every aspect.
It looks like my insurance isn't going to pay for the removal of my skin cancer, so I guess I'll have to do it myself. I could just let it keep reducing in size, but it might be better for me to remove it before it has more of a chance to spread.
I thought I was having some difficulty with my heart, so I went in for another EKG, but they said my heart was fine. It only leaves me with knowing that you must be going through something very difficult and painful. Since I don't see things visually the way you do, it leaves me guessing at what might be causing it. It honestly makes things much more difficult for me not knowing what's going on. If I know what it is, I can deal with it, but guessing just makes my imagination run wild, especially knowing what Diane went through.
It was all new to me when Diane went through it and I was unprepared for what I would see and experience. Now I know the things that occur and can handle them much better. I do hope you will eventually let me know how you're doing. I am continually praying for you and sending you as much energy as I can bear. It's left me in the bed most of the last several days, but I know that you can get through this. They caught yours earlier than they did Diane's.
Here's the story...
Love,
Cal
This might give you some idea of what it is that attracts me to you so much. Never before did I find someone who exceeded Diane in every aspect.
It looks like my insurance isn't going to pay for the removal of my skin cancer, so I guess I'll have to do it myself. I could just let it keep reducing in size, but it might be better for me to remove it before it has more of a chance to spread.
I thought I was having some difficulty with my heart, so I went in for another EKG, but they said my heart was fine. It only leaves me with knowing that you must be going through something very difficult and painful. Since I don't see things visually the way you do, it leaves me guessing at what might be causing it. It honestly makes things much more difficult for me not knowing what's going on. If I know what it is, I can deal with it, but guessing just makes my imagination run wild, especially knowing what Diane went through.
It was all new to me when Diane went through it and I was unprepared for what I would see and experience. Now I know the things that occur and can handle them much better. I do hope you will eventually let me know how you're doing. I am continually praying for you and sending you as much energy as I can bear. It's left me in the bed most of the last several days, but I know that you can get through this. They caught yours earlier than they did Diane's.
Here's the story...
Love,
Cal
Through the Eyes of a Child
When I was about 5, I had a bamboo flute. I had almost forgotten about it. As I was looking at something totally unrelated to music, the thought of it popped into my mind.
I used to take the flute outside and play it all the time as I walked with the little girl next door hunting for caterpillars spinning their cocoons about to hatch into butterflies,
looking for Horny Toads,
looking for buttercups with which we could turn each others' noses yellow,
and all the other things a couple of young, adventurous children who were old in spirit might living right on Buffalo Bayou before the concrete might do. Sometimes I would play the flute as she combed my hair, dipping the comb in water each time before she ran the comb through my hair. Sometimes we would just walk along the edge of the bayou, hand in hand, talking. Sometimes, we'd just lay in the grass and look for shapes in the clouds.
These things seemed to bring us great pleasure in life. As I think on it, they brought me much greater pleasure than electronics and vehicles. We shared a love with one another that was both caring and carefree. Of course, when we were about 8, things started changing and I lost my flute. My mom finding it in a drawer with a roach in it, promptly threw it in the trash.
(Diane shortly before finding out she had cancer)
I didn't regain such a relationship until I met Diane, who, in spite of her intelligence and often critical nature, could see things with me through the eyes of a child. She was beautiful when we met and never seemed any less beautiful to me as she aged, in spite of the changes to her body. It took a few years of living together and working out our differences before we got there, but we got there and it was wonderful.
It takes more than just beauty, intelligence, and sexuality to stimulate me. It takes spiritual insight and the ability to see things through the eyes of a child. So many have forgotten how to do that these days. It seems like everyone is just after quick, thoughtless, self-gratification. Is there any wonder that so few truly know the meaning of love anymore?
Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ Is With Us All,
Cal-el
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Another Letter to Jill
Dear Jill,
It would take me the rest of my life to tell you how I feel about you and to learn all I want to know about you and share all the things I want to share with you. I hope you are recovering well from your cancer surgery and have gotten into a better place. It worried me a little that you wanted to go back to where you lived, but I do understand the feeling of wanting to be in a familiar place when you're that ill.
I hope you get through everything ok and I hope that I one day hear how you are doing. I wish you realized how big a strain on my heart knowing what you're going through and not knowing how you're doing is. If I didn't really love you, it wouldn't matter to me much.
I wish I had the ability to see things the way you can. All I can do is feel the sensations for the most part. I only see when it's really necessary, like with Bill and a few other instances, so sometimes the feelings are confusing to me. It was much easier for me when I knew what was happening.
One more thing before I go. Please quit breaking into my computer and deleting things. You probably didn't mean to, but you've messed up some of the programs and drivers I need to do my work. If you want my Multiply password again so you can see what's going on, please just ask.
Love,
Cal
P.S. I don't want to have to press charges, but if I have to, I will. If it's not you, I apologize, but the only thing missing was your pictures.
It would take me the rest of my life to tell you how I feel about you and to learn all I want to know about you and share all the things I want to share with you. I hope you are recovering well from your cancer surgery and have gotten into a better place. It worried me a little that you wanted to go back to where you lived, but I do understand the feeling of wanting to be in a familiar place when you're that ill.
I hope you get through everything ok and I hope that I one day hear how you are doing. I wish you realized how big a strain on my heart knowing what you're going through and not knowing how you're doing is. If I didn't really love you, it wouldn't matter to me much.
I wish I had the ability to see things the way you can. All I can do is feel the sensations for the most part. I only see when it's really necessary, like with Bill and a few other instances, so sometimes the feelings are confusing to me. It was much easier for me when I knew what was happening.
One more thing before I go. Please quit breaking into my computer and deleting things. You probably didn't mean to, but you've messed up some of the programs and drivers I need to do my work. If you want my Multiply password again so you can see what's going on, please just ask.
Love,
Cal
P.S. I don't want to have to press charges, but if I have to, I will. If it's not you, I apologize, but the only thing missing was your pictures.
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