The Real Superman

 

Kittygory's Challenge

Choose a character from a favorite movie or book, one that you either love or hate. Take on that character's persona, and show us something about him/her that we wouldn't know from watching the movie or reading the book. What you show us, though, has to "fit" the character. Be sure to incorporate dialog in your "showing", since we tell a lot about ourselves by what comes out of our mouths.

The Real Superman

Flying high over Metropolis, a figure in a blue and red suit dashes across the sky.  He lands upon the image of an eagle, perched where he can watch over the inhabitants of the city. He takes a deep breath, then he sighs. He thinks to himself:

Most people seem to love me for my heroic deeds.  A few are jealous of my abilities and seek to defame and destroy me.  Everyone wants to be me or be like me, it seems, but if they only knew what it was like inside.

Some people seem to think that I do this for fame or glory. I'm only trying to help those who can't help themselves. I'm just trying to right the wrongs that have been forced upon people and keep them from destroying one another and themselves. If they only realized what they were doing. If they only saw where it would lead.

I know they have the ability to be much better than they are right now. If only they would take a look at the things that are really important. If only they'd learn how to treat one another with care and respect. If only they'd quit following their selfish lusts of the hearts which cause themselves and each other so much pain and grief. They've even elected leaders who will give them what they want and tell them what they want to hear without considering the true cost. They don't want to hear that, though.

I try to write at The Daily Planet to help them and inspire them, and sometimes it does some good, but most often what I write isn't taken to heart. It's just tossed in the trash like another daily newspaper. If only they knew the pain and grief I feel for them. If only...

My life is a lonely life, being the only survivor from Krypton since my cousin, Kara, died. Even my dog died, saving my life. I have very few friends I can trust and no one I can trust with my true identity. Jimmy is a good friend, but he doesn't know everything. Even the earth woman that I loved dearly enough to tell is off with another man. I think they may be raising my son, though. She evidently never told him...

At times like these, all I can do is fly back to the Fortress of Solitude and try to comfort my grief with images of those who loved me enough to send me here. It doesn't really help that much, though. I know they aren't real. They're all dead. They're just a reminder of who I am and what brought me here. Sometimes it gives me the strength to carry on. At least I have SOME chance of trying to help the people here with my advanced understanding given to me by my father. I even flew out to try to find the remains of my planet, but that was just a cold reminder of what had become of them. If only the people there had listened to my father. They sought more and more, even changing the weather to suit themselves. In doing so, they ultimately caused their own destruction.

If only they understood the lonliness and grief I feel. If only they knew what it was really like. If only they could see. Then, they wouldn't want to be me at all. They would understand what a desolate life it is being responsible for all the inhabitants of this planet. I only hope that they see before it's too late and they end up like Krypton.

Click here for more UFC Challenge Entries

Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings

To Jill

Love,

Cal

Christmas Pics for Jill

Dearest Jill,

Since you may not be able to get out to see any lights, I thought I would post this here for you so you could see some. I didn't have the date set on it, so it's a day fast. This was on Christmas night.

I got a digital camera for Christmas, so I thought I'd try it out on a walk and get some pictures of the Christmas lights. The camera said that you had to hold very still when taking pictures at night, so I thought I'd see how it did. It looks like I'm going to need a tripod for any night shooting.

Anyway... here I go, starting with my porch:




Next, I went out toward the street and took a picture of the front of my house:



Then I started walking down the street:






As you can see, some of the pictures came out pretty blurry. These were the only ones that came out halfway clear enough to bother showing you. I guess I'll start looking around for a tripod on Freecycle or something.

Love,

Cal

Excruciating Pain for Jill

Dearest Jill,

It's not necessary to inflict bodily harm to inflict pain. If you know the pressure points, you can cause excruciating pain without even leaving a bruise. If you must have pain, that's the way to go. I learned many of the pressure in Boy Scouts for first aid, more in martial arts, and even more detailed information when I was studying acupressure. It's even possible to make you pass out from the pain without causing you any harm. That's much better than split skin and bruises, especially if you're going to be teaching.

Love,

Cal

December 26th to Jill

Dearest Jill,

I hope you had a good Christmas. I hope you're feeling ok as well, though I think I felt some sad feelings from you. I know how difficult Christmas can be for you with your family.

I just stayed home and took it easy today. I did some thinking to see how I would honestly feel if we were together. As much as I want to tell myself that I wouldn't be jealous, I know that I would feel some jealousy. I would want you all to myself. I wouldn't stop you from doing what you wanted, but it would hurt. I wouldn't want anyone else but you, so I would remain faithful. It's just me. I'm sorry. It was the same with Diane, but with you, it would be more so because of our connection and because of the depth of love I feel for you. I would feel anger and resentment when I knew you were cheating, and it would take me a while to get over each time it happened.

Diane cheated, but not that often. I didn't have a huge problem overlooking it a few times in 15 years, but frequently cheating would present a problem. I think men feel emotional pain over a mate much more than women do. That, or women just ignore the pain and proceed anyway.

I haven't heard from Nigel. He hasn't written me back for awhile now. I still send him a letter now and then just to let him know I'm thinking about him. I know he's been through a lot, as have I, but I'm a little tougher than Nigel is. Hopefully, he'll get better and contact me again sometime. If not, well, I guess it's about the same as you.

Love,

Cal

Merry Christmas, Jill

Dearest Jill,

Just because my Christmas isn't so bright doesn't mean I can't wish you a Merry Christmas. I did get a digital camera from my mom, so I can at least take photos again. Merry Christmas to you and yours.



Love,

Cal

To Jill - Merry Christmas, Darling

Dearest Jill,

Merry Christmas, Darling.



Love,

Cal

A Christmas Eve Letter to Jill

Dearest Jill,

I was about to go to drift off to sleep and something came into my mind. I know Zen screwed you up talking about being tuned to the same frequency and BS like that, but if you thought it through, as I thought you would, you would know that the quartz crystals have to be matched in order to be tuned to the same frequency. The closer the match, the stronger the vibration. If the two crystals don't match exactly, they won't resonate properly and be able to create the link between, say, two CB or short wave radios.

When God creates a man and woman for each other, he gives them a special frequency so that they can recognize one another. If you think of the power of God as electrical harmonics, you will realize why we can communicate with God and with one another on such a frequency. For two to be able to resonate at the same frequency, the capacitors have to be matched pairs, as in a David Hafler amplifier, such as the one I possess. I put mine together from the kit and when one of the capacitors blew out, I had to replace both with a matched pair. We are bio-electric in nature, so it's not a wonder that we would have such abilities and matched frequencies for those we were intended. To be fully in tune with God and His will, it takes a matched pair. The matched pair allows for the extremely low distortion, thus purity of sound.

Jill, you are my matched crystal and capacitor. How else can you explain the depth of the resonance between us? Why else would we feel each other so strongly and deeply?

Since I don't know how much you know about electronics, I've kept this on a basic level so that you should be able to understand. I believe that you ARE smart enough to understand it and figure it out, though.

Love,

Cal

Christmas Eve-Eve Letter to Jill

Dearest Jill,

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I'm very sorry I haven't heard from you and I hope you're doing ok. I have no idea at what stage you are in or how your second surgery came out, but I hope it went well. Try to maintain hope.

Remember to have faith. Faith is very important to your healing:



Mark 10:46-52 (New International Version)

Blind Bartimaeus Receives His Sight
Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (that is, the Son of Timaeus), was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!"

Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.

"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see."

"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

Mark 5:21-34 (New International Version)

A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman
When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. Then one of the synagogue rulers, named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live." So Jesus went with him.

A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"

"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, 'Who touched me?' "

But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."


"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

The skin cancer spot in my arm has started to disappear. I finally remembered to pray for myself instead of just others. It seems to be a difficult thing for me to remember at times because I've been so concerned with trying to help others that I tend to forget about myself. My aunt who was supposed to have been dead by now is being sustained by prayer and is still alive at this point. She developed pneumonia, though, and they sent her home. We'll have to see what happens. She's quite old, though, and it is near her time.

I did some major housecleaning on Multiply last night. I blocked Suzy and a couple others and removed anyone on my list who I didn't know or of whom I was suspicious. I'll probably have even more housecleaning to do, but it should be easier at this point. I'm not going to put up with any agitators anymore. I've had it. I'm not accepting any new contacts unless I know them beforehand and trust them. I feel like I've given everyone more than ample opportunity to hear the truth. If they can't accept it, that's their problem. I don't mind someone disagreeing with me on something, but I'm not going to put up with blatant attacks and negativity on my page. I have to get down to some serious business.

I love you and I do hope you get better. I hope you are happy, wherever you are. In memory of Bill and in expression of my feelings about you, here you go:



Love,

Cal

Let There Be Peace On Earth

Dearest Jill,

I just posted the "Let There Be Peace On Earth" video and realized that Jill Jackson and Jill Jennings both are J.J. Maybe there's a peace connection there.

Anyway, here's the video for you:

To Jill

Dearest Jill,

How are you doing? Is your Christmas going well? I hope you're recovering well. It would be my Chrismas wish to know how you're doing, though I'm not expecting it. I'll probably go ahead and go to my sister's house for Christmas Eve, though it depends on how I'm feeling... or is it you feeling?

I was just thinking back on a movie I once saw called "Hackers." I imagine you are familiar with it. Angelina Jolie's character in that movie sort of reminds me of you. What reminded me of it was Leon going after Mila. I had thought about sending her the copy of Leon's information, but then I thought better of it. I didn't want to get you in trouble.

It's been a lonely holiday season not being able to talk to you. Mila and Suze05 have helped me through it, but things just aren't right. I can feel you so strongly. I hope you aren't being affected too stronly by my arrhythmia. I'm not having a lot of problem with it, but I had some a few days back and feel like I may be having it soon now, unless you are just going through something.

I'm uploading a video I made of Suze05 and I singing "Let There Be Peace On Earth." It should be finished uploading soon. I don't know if you'll see it or if you're even able to see it at this point, but it should be finished soon.

If I don't hear from you, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I love you and I always will love you.

Love,

Cal

Caring or Obsession?

Is there a difference between obsessing and truly caring about someone to whom you were close? If you had a brother, sister, daughter, niece, or nephew who had their life threatened or was dying of cancer, would you consider it obsessing to be worried about them and wonder how they are doing if you hadn't heard from them? If you were close enough to them to consider them being part of your family, isn't that pretty much the same?

What would you do to protect your child if he or she were in danger? Wouldn't you do all you could possibly do? What if your child had cancer? Would you just turn away from your child and not have any care for them because “they're going to die anyway?” What if your child had a serious mental condition and had problems making decisions on his or her own? Would you not tell them how you feel about their decisions in hopes that they might understand rather than just tell them what they want to hear?

Sometimes people confuse true love and compassion with obsession, especially if they don't really know all the details. Sometimes people who have mental problems think that others are obsessing over them just because they show concern and caring. Does this mean the person is really being obsessive? Of course not.

If I were accused of obsessing over everyone for whom I've shown caring and compassion, I'd have a long list of obsessions. Some people have no concept of concern for others or have so little self-esteem that they think anyone who really shows compassion and concern for them must be up to something or have ulterior motives. Some people who have been involved in the seedy side of life often have the same thoughts because that is what they are used to. Those of us, though, who have grown up in loving, caring families and have lived our lives around mostly honorable people, though, see things differently.

There have been times when my life was in danger and friends and family helped out. I didn't consider any of them obsessive. I didn't consider what they did for me something to get me to do something for them. It was done out of love.

Is true love so foreign to people these days that so many have no concept of it? What does that say of our society? What does that say of ourselves? Do we truly have to be suspicous of everyone who appears to care for us? Do we have to be suspicious of every thought, statement, or deed another has or does on our behalf?

There are some parasites who pray on others for their own selfish desires, to be sure. They seem to be more prevalent on the internet than in regular life, probably because they can hide behind their keyboards and not have to confront people face to face. There are those who feign illness to gain sympathy. There are those who feign feelings for others in an attempt to gain their trust with selfish motives at the core. Yes, this type of person DOES exist, but in reality, their number is small... much smaller than it would appear by watching people on the internet. If we live our lives fearing the few who are so insignificant that they don't even really matter in the scheme of things, how are we ever to find true, caring friendships or relationships?

Unfortunately, at the moment, there is little that can be done about internet predators, or “real life” predators until they actually harm someone. It's like calling the police about a threat on your life. They'll tell you, “Call us after they've done something to you.” Of course, by then it's too late, so you have to depend on friends and family to help out with the situation. If the warning from friends and family is stern enough, or even sometimes, if they see that others really care about you, it is often enough to keep them from taking action, or at least think real hard before they actually attempt to do anything.

Sometimes, we need to chill a little and set aside the fear and quit being so suspicious of every person in our lives who has shown us love and care. Have you given that person reason to be concerned? Has the person who showed you love and care really tried to harm you in any way? Have they stalked you in person? Do they follow you everywhere you go on the internet and try to make your life a living hell? If not, then perhaps you're being a little too suspicious.

Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings

Letter to Jill

Dear Jill,

I was looking at the most recent picture I had of you. I'm glad you gained some weight before your surgery. Hopefully, that will see you through.

You may have changed your name, but that doesn't change who you are, nor does it change the connection we have. It's been difficult for me, really, feeling the experiences and not knowing what they are. I pray for you, but don't know really exactly what I'm praying for. Hopefully, it's enough to be praying for your healing.

Woodstock is going ok. The musicians are talking with their agents and working out the details and some of them are interested in WORLDstock, too. I might let the head of Musicians and Fine Artists for World Peace handle the details since he's experienced at it and is interested as well.

The LiveShows are going well and I met that woman who was showing her collar on YouTube on LiveVideo and we are friends now. She had problems with her ex posting sex videos of her as well, so she certainly understands what you went through with that. Lorielle's show has been going well and she's been offered another part, so she's moving up well. I got invited onto an international peace LiveShow, I think I mentioned that in another message. It went well, too.

I'm not looking for stardom. I mainly like to promote others who I think are good people and do well. It's just nice to bring smiles to people's faces and make them laugh. That brings some pleasure to my otherwise dull existence.

I'm not sure if I'm going to my sister's house for Christmas Eve or not. I just haven't been in much of a Christmas spirit not knowing what's going on with you. I miss you very much.

Love,

Cal

Diane



Today is a bit of a sad day for me. Seven years ago today, Diane passed away. I had hoped she would make it to Christmas, but she didn't. I had brought Christmas to her a little early just in case. She was at a hospice center in Houston. It was a very nice, very expensive center. She had a private room with a beautiful view. We had put a small Christmas tree in the room for her.

I had gone home the previous night to feed the dogs and take care of a few things around the house since she seemed to be doing relatively well. I got a call from her on the morning of the 19th and she seemed to be in good spirits. She asked for a few things and I told her I would find them and bring them to her.

Just as I had found the things she asked for and was headed out to the car, I got a phone call from her dad, telling me that she had passed away. It was a long drive from Texas City to the hospice center where she was. It took me about an hour to get there and find parking. When I got there, her family was upset that it took me so long. I wasn't doing too well myself at that time and was having to use a motorized cart to get around, but they didn't consider that. I guess they were just upset from Diane's passing.

I went to her room and saw her and gave her cold lips a kiss goodbye. It was a pretty difficult thing to experience, especially after losing my 5 closest friends and my dog, Samanta, earlier that year.

If I don't seem especially joyous around Christmas, perhaps this will help you understand why. In addition to Diane's death, not knowing Jill's condition has compounded that grief. Having gone through it, being disabled and spending every single day of Diane's demise with her, it's harder not knowing how Jill is doing. I know what to expect. I know the stages. I know the difficulty of the treatments and the stretching of the esophagus. I've been though it. Not being able to help and comfort makes things pretty unbearable for me. Anyway, this is about Diane, not Jill, but I thought you should know in case I seem unusually harsh or bitter some days. Back to Diane.

Diane and I had some good times over the years. We were about as different as night and day in many ways, which made the first five years pretty difficult. Once we got all our difficulties worked out and she decided she wanted to get married, though, things were pretty nice, except for her occasional flings. They didn't happen often, though, so it was bearable.

Here is a picture from one of those good times. I had a better one, but this one seems to be the only one that survives. Diane didn't have her head positioned right and I don't have the expression on my face that I had in the other one when we were ready, but here it is anyway:



Merry Christmas

Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ Is With Us All,

Cal-el

Letter to Jill About Teri

Teri got pissed that I removed her as a contact, so I blocked her. I may lose some writing friends over it, but I really don't care. After her hypocritical remarks on Will's blog, I really didn't want to have any more to do with her anyway. I can't stand someone who presents themselves as a "good little preacher's daughter" who condems others for being unfaithful to their husbands at the same time that she's hot chatting with 10 different men and making plans to sleep with them. People like her give Christians a bad name. At least Leon has an excuse for his ignorant rants, missing part of his brain.

I've been keeping myself pretty busy with the Woodstock 40th Anniversary committee and have been doing some LiveShows for world peace. I felt like my time was wasted on the international show yesterday because the hostess was driving in her car with her laptop and not interacting with the viewers. I guess some of the people there must be gaga over the hostess or something and they find it fascinating to watch her drive down the freeway listening to the radio where all you can see is her and the sky. Maybe another day.

I just said to heck with everything last night and went to bed at 10:30pm. I woke up this morning at 6am. That's probably the most sleep and at the most regular hours as I've had in months.

I hope you are doing well and are getting better.

Love,

Cal

Black Guardian Angels

Dearest Jill,

I never really thought about it before today, but I may know the source of one of your black female angels. There was a young, beautiful, perhaps slightly overweight black woman at one of the nursing homes at which I used to play who I used to talk to. I had played one of my instruments and told her I'd come back and play the other one for her because she wanted to hear it. I missed one week because I was busy and the next week when I brought the other instrument, she had passed away. I'm just curious as to what your angels look like.

Love,

Cal

Letter on December 18th to Jill

Dearest Jill,

Please remember that I still wear the ring I wore when I was with Diane for you. I miss you so very much. I still feel you so strongly. Not knowing what is causing these feelings is so difficult. It saps me of my strength.

I really don't have anyone to tell it to, but I was asked on a live international peace show on LiveVideo and was received very well. They like my zany humor all over the world, it seems. They also like the message I bring to them of loving instead of hating and killing and of treating women with respect instead of abusing them and showing them disrespect. I've connected with other composers and musicians and they really loved "Jill's Song," which I got to air and give you a special message that you did not get to hear. Now, I'm laughing on the outside as I'm crying on the inside. I've learned to act well enough to cover it for the most part, but occasionally, someone will notice the sadness in my eyes and ask me why in a PM on the show.

I'll be here all alone until after Christmas and without you in my life, I can feel no joy. I can still do what I need to do and act happy about it, but inside, my heart is bleeding for you. Must you be so cruel? Must you deny me at every turn? Must you withold your feelings for me until death? Is that fair to you? Is that really fair to me?

I know how strongly we are bound. I feel it every second I'm awake. I know you must think of me sometimes because, occasionally, I can feel the love. I just wonder if you can feel the love I send to you so very often?

If you'll stop and think about it, you will see that I was only upset and anxious when you told me your life was in danger. We got to spend a little real time on the phone when I wasn't so worried. You told me that you had gotten away from the danger and I was able to relax and be as it would be if you were with me. It worried me when he found where you were and sent the messenger, then you cut off contact, but I'm doing my best not to let it worry me now. I know that you are in God's hands and will work through whatever problems are besetting you. Being upset and worried about it only makes you feel worse through the link and I don't want you to feel anything you don't have to as you fight this cancer and the physical problems related to the surgeries. I do continue to pray for you throughout the day and when I go to bed. Please hang in there and don't give up hope.

I wish I could share with you all the things with which I am involved. The tide is changing and in spite of the things that are to come, I can see that there is a new day, a new life, beyond. I am seeing that the things I have been working for are prevailing. I wanted you to be by my side as I rose up that you might share these wonderful things with me. The transition is as glorious and exciting as the final result will be.

I'm doing what I can to occupy my time. I'm trying to make as many people laugh as possible and help as many people through their problems as I possibly can. Even many who have turned away have come back because they see that I am who I say I am and not some phony who just pretends like most of the people on the internet. That is comforting and helps me get through the days, but I still wonder how you are doing and what you are going through at this stage. I had an EKG the other day because I thought that it might really be my heart this time. Everything else in my life seemed to be going well. When I found that my heart was fine, it brought deep concern in my heart for you and I spent the day fasting and praying for you. I know that God does perform miracles through me because many have been healed of cancer and things even worse through my prayers. The energy that flows through me is so strong sometimes that it feels like my hair is standing on end. I sometimes call it "energy itch," though itch isn't really a descriptive word for it. Scratching does seem to help sometimes, though.

Be sweet and think of all the beautiful things that are going to happen in the world and how beautiful it will be when the changes take place. It is something that's going to be worth staying alive to see. Think of every beautiful thing you've ever seen or experienced and think of that being multiplied tenfold. Think of all the beauty that you could be helping to bring to the world through your kindness to others. Think of how it will be when everyone is helpoing one another and cooperating with one another instead of hoarding and taking from others. It's already happening and it will be something to behold.

Love,

Cal

Through the Eyes Of a Child

Dear Jill,

This might give you some idea of what it is that attracts me to you so much. Never before did I find someone who exceeded Diane in every aspect.

It looks like my insurance isn't going to pay for the removal of my skin cancer, so I guess I'll have to do it myself. I could just let it keep reducing in size, but it might be better for me to remove it before it has more of a chance to spread.

I thought I was having some difficulty with my heart, so I went in for another EKG, but they said my heart was fine. It only leaves me with knowing that you must be going through something very difficult and painful. Since I don't see things visually the way you do, it leaves me guessing at what might be causing it. It honestly makes things much more difficult for me not knowing what's going on. If I know what it is, I can deal with it, but guessing just makes my imagination run wild, especially knowing what Diane went through.

It was all new to me when Diane went through it and I was unprepared for what I would see and experience. Now I know the things that occur and can handle them much better. I do hope you will eventually let me know how you're doing. I am continually praying for you and sending you as much energy as I can bear. It's left me in the bed most of the last several days, but I know that you can get through this. They caught yours earlier than they did Diane's.

Here's the story...

Love,

Cal

Through the Eyes of a Child

When I was about 5, I had a bamboo flute. I had almost forgotten about it. As I was looking at something totally unrelated to music, the thought of it popped into my mind.


I used to take the flute outside and play it all the time as I walked with the little girl next door hunting for caterpillars spinning their cocoons about to hatch into butterflies,



looking for Horny Toads,



looking for buttercups with which we could turn each others' noses yellow,



and all the other things a couple of young, adventurous children who were old in spirit might living right on Buffalo Bayou before the concrete might do. Sometimes I would play the flute as she combed my hair, dipping the comb in water each time before she ran the comb through my hair. Sometimes we would just walk along the edge of the bayou, hand in hand, talking. Sometimes, we'd just lay in the grass and look for shapes in the clouds.



These things seemed to bring us great pleasure in life. As I think on it, they brought me much greater pleasure than electronics and vehicles. We shared a love with one another that was both caring and carefree. Of course, when we were about 8, things started changing and I lost my flute. My mom finding it in a drawer with a roach in it, promptly threw it in the trash.


(Diane shortly before finding out she had cancer)

I didn't regain such a relationship until I met Diane, who, in spite of her intelligence and often critical nature, could see things with me through the eyes of a child. She was beautiful when we met and never seemed any less beautiful to me as she aged, in spite of the changes to her body. It took a few years of living together and working out our differences before we got there, but we got there and it was wonderful.

It takes more than just beauty, intelligence, and sexuality to stimulate me. It takes spiritual insight and the ability to see things through the eyes of a child. So many have forgotten how to do that these days. It seems like everyone is just after quick, thoughtless, self-gratification. Is there any wonder that so few truly know the meaning of love anymore?

Love, Hope, Peace, & Christ Is With Us All,

Cal-el

Another Letter to Jill

Dear Jill,

It would take me the rest of my life to tell you how I feel about you and to learn all I want to know about you and share all the things I want to share with you. I hope you are recovering well from your cancer surgery and have gotten into a better place. It worried me a little that you wanted to go back to where you lived, but I do understand the feeling of wanting to be in a familiar place when you're that ill.

I hope you get through everything ok and I hope that I one day hear how you are doing. I wish you realized how big a strain on my heart knowing what you're going through and not knowing how you're doing is. If I didn't really love you, it wouldn't matter to me much.

I wish I had the ability to see things the way you can. All I can do is feel the sensations for the most part. I only see when it's really necessary, like with Bill and a few other instances, so sometimes the feelings are confusing to me. It was much easier for me when I knew what was happening.

One more thing before I go. Please quit breaking into my computer and deleting things. You probably didn't mean to, but you've messed up some of the programs and drivers I need to do my work. If you want my Multiply password again so you can see what's going on, please just ask.

Love,

Cal

P.S. I don't want to have to press charges, but if I have to, I will. If it's not you, I apologize, but the only thing missing was your pictures.

Message to Jill

December 8, 2008
Dear Jill,

I am writing this here because I rarely use it and no one reads anything here. Since you seem to think I'm an ogre who never considered your needs or interests, I think I should remind you of some things. I know your bipolar condition causes you problems with your thinking and perhaps your memory and I think you often confuse me with people you've known in the past.

You told me your son was in a wheelchair and needed an assisted living apartment in which to live. There is a very nice one right next to my doctor's office and it's 3 buildings from a hospital. I told you about the rehabilitation center in Houston that's about 50 miles away (not a large distance for someone from Houston), that does special research and rehabilitation for people with such problems and who could help with things that might make his life easier.

You told me that your other son gets into trouble often. I'm not sure what could be done about that other than counseling and guidance. It sounds like he's pretty well known by the police in that area and this might be a good place for him to start over if he's ready to try to make some changes, but make no mistake... the police in this area don't play games and Huntsville State Prison is not a pleasant place for people who are incarcerated. He would have to get his act together and act responsibly.

As far as your condition, there are very good centers for treatment and good psychiatrists and psychologists in the area. The place I went near the Woodlands after losing Diane is one of the best.

We discussed these things on the phone, but I don't know if your mind was in a state where you really heard me.

On your reaction to me sending you some small presents for your birthday, I would like to ask you a question. When you sent that gift to that woman for her cat, were you expecting something? I wasn't when I sent you the gifts. I wasn't when I sent Nigel the things I made for him. Some of us give simply because we want to do something nice for people. I understand what you've been through, but I'm honestly not that type of person. I could have used that money to buy a guitar, but I was more concerned with your needs than mine.

I know that the last time we talked, you tried to imply that there must be something bad or evil about me because of the other people you had been attracted to. Why you were attracted to me, I'm not really sure. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm nothing like those people, unless what you told me about them was a lie.

You've accused me of wanting the limelight, when that is about the farthest thing from the truth that you could say. What exposure I do need, I need to promote others. Look at people like Heidi Little and Marie' Digby. I just try to help others make good of their talents. I'm not on par with that kind of talent, but I do know enough to be able to know who is good and who deserves a chance. If I see someone who would be a good influence on others, I do what I can to help them.

You may never see this, but I'm writing it anyway. Perhaps when I'm gone, if you're still living, you'll be able to look back on this and understand the errors in your perception of me. Although I hope you do so that you can understand how much you were truly loved, I really don't know if you'll ever understand.

Love,

Cal

Christmas Without You

I know I should be happy
With my dreams all coming true
That is, but for the memory
Of what I had with you

I know I should be smiling
But I am feeling blue
Because of the sweet mem'ry
Of what I had with you

I thought it would be easy
To simply just forget
It's been so easy in the past
But this one just won't slip

I feel you oh, so strongly
And wonder how you are
I wonder how we ever let
Things get this so bizzare

How I've longed to see you
And hold you in my arms
To hear your dainty voice again
And see your smile so warm

I wonder how your health is
I wonder where you are
I wonder why I'm feeling you
Although you are so far

And so I sit here weeping
A smile upon my face
And wish you Merry Christmas
Hanging my head in disgrace

For somehow I have let you down
And failed to earn your trust
So all that I have left inside
Is feelings of disgust

Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings

Without Your Love

Trying to escape your love
Is like trying to escape
From the gravity of a million suns
Denying my feelings to pursue happiness
Tears at the very fabric of my soul
Though you care not
You send shards of shattered glass into my heart
And there is no escape

Without your presence
I drift on a collision course
No power to steer
Away from eminent disaster
You have left me in the cold
Darkness of space
Drifting without sight

The thrusters will not fire
Programmed only for your touch
No one else can man the controls
Without your love
My fate is sealed
Without your tender voice
I find no comfort
The music in my heart is gone
My soul has died



Copyright © 2008 Cal Jennings