Letter on December 18th to Jill

Dearest Jill,

Please remember that I still wear the ring I wore when I was with Diane for you. I miss you so very much. I still feel you so strongly. Not knowing what is causing these feelings is so difficult. It saps me of my strength.

I really don't have anyone to tell it to, but I was asked on a live international peace show on LiveVideo and was received very well. They like my zany humor all over the world, it seems. They also like the message I bring to them of loving instead of hating and killing and of treating women with respect instead of abusing them and showing them disrespect. I've connected with other composers and musicians and they really loved "Jill's Song," which I got to air and give you a special message that you did not get to hear. Now, I'm laughing on the outside as I'm crying on the inside. I've learned to act well enough to cover it for the most part, but occasionally, someone will notice the sadness in my eyes and ask me why in a PM on the show.

I'll be here all alone until after Christmas and without you in my life, I can feel no joy. I can still do what I need to do and act happy about it, but inside, my heart is bleeding for you. Must you be so cruel? Must you deny me at every turn? Must you withold your feelings for me until death? Is that fair to you? Is that really fair to me?

I know how strongly we are bound. I feel it every second I'm awake. I know you must think of me sometimes because, occasionally, I can feel the love. I just wonder if you can feel the love I send to you so very often?

If you'll stop and think about it, you will see that I was only upset and anxious when you told me your life was in danger. We got to spend a little real time on the phone when I wasn't so worried. You told me that you had gotten away from the danger and I was able to relax and be as it would be if you were with me. It worried me when he found where you were and sent the messenger, then you cut off contact, but I'm doing my best not to let it worry me now. I know that you are in God's hands and will work through whatever problems are besetting you. Being upset and worried about it only makes you feel worse through the link and I don't want you to feel anything you don't have to as you fight this cancer and the physical problems related to the surgeries. I do continue to pray for you throughout the day and when I go to bed. Please hang in there and don't give up hope.

I wish I could share with you all the things with which I am involved. The tide is changing and in spite of the things that are to come, I can see that there is a new day, a new life, beyond. I am seeing that the things I have been working for are prevailing. I wanted you to be by my side as I rose up that you might share these wonderful things with me. The transition is as glorious and exciting as the final result will be.

I'm doing what I can to occupy my time. I'm trying to make as many people laugh as possible and help as many people through their problems as I possibly can. Even many who have turned away have come back because they see that I am who I say I am and not some phony who just pretends like most of the people on the internet. That is comforting and helps me get through the days, but I still wonder how you are doing and what you are going through at this stage. I had an EKG the other day because I thought that it might really be my heart this time. Everything else in my life seemed to be going well. When I found that my heart was fine, it brought deep concern in my heart for you and I spent the day fasting and praying for you. I know that God does perform miracles through me because many have been healed of cancer and things even worse through my prayers. The energy that flows through me is so strong sometimes that it feels like my hair is standing on end. I sometimes call it "energy itch," though itch isn't really a descriptive word for it. Scratching does seem to help sometimes, though.

Be sweet and think of all the beautiful things that are going to happen in the world and how beautiful it will be when the changes take place. It is something that's going to be worth staying alive to see. Think of every beautiful thing you've ever seen or experienced and think of that being multiplied tenfold. Think of all the beauty that you could be helping to bring to the world through your kindness to others. Think of how it will be when everyone is helpoing one another and cooperating with one another instead of hoarding and taking from others. It's already happening and it will be something to behold.

Love,

Cal