Message to Jill

December 8, 2008
Dear Jill,

I am writing this here because I rarely use it and no one reads anything here. Since you seem to think I'm an ogre who never considered your needs or interests, I think I should remind you of some things. I know your bipolar condition causes you problems with your thinking and perhaps your memory and I think you often confuse me with people you've known in the past.

You told me your son was in a wheelchair and needed an assisted living apartment in which to live. There is a very nice one right next to my doctor's office and it's 3 buildings from a hospital. I told you about the rehabilitation center in Houston that's about 50 miles away (not a large distance for someone from Houston), that does special research and rehabilitation for people with such problems and who could help with things that might make his life easier.

You told me that your other son gets into trouble often. I'm not sure what could be done about that other than counseling and guidance. It sounds like he's pretty well known by the police in that area and this might be a good place for him to start over if he's ready to try to make some changes, but make no mistake... the police in this area don't play games and Huntsville State Prison is not a pleasant place for people who are incarcerated. He would have to get his act together and act responsibly.

As far as your condition, there are very good centers for treatment and good psychiatrists and psychologists in the area. The place I went near the Woodlands after losing Diane is one of the best.

We discussed these things on the phone, but I don't know if your mind was in a state where you really heard me.

On your reaction to me sending you some small presents for your birthday, I would like to ask you a question. When you sent that gift to that woman for her cat, were you expecting something? I wasn't when I sent you the gifts. I wasn't when I sent Nigel the things I made for him. Some of us give simply because we want to do something nice for people. I understand what you've been through, but I'm honestly not that type of person. I could have used that money to buy a guitar, but I was more concerned with your needs than mine.

I know that the last time we talked, you tried to imply that there must be something bad or evil about me because of the other people you had been attracted to. Why you were attracted to me, I'm not really sure. I hate to disappoint you, but I'm nothing like those people, unless what you told me about them was a lie.

You've accused me of wanting the limelight, when that is about the farthest thing from the truth that you could say. What exposure I do need, I need to promote others. Look at people like Heidi Little and Marie' Digby. I just try to help others make good of their talents. I'm not on par with that kind of talent, but I do know enough to be able to know who is good and who deserves a chance. If I see someone who would be a good influence on others, I do what I can to help them.

You may never see this, but I'm writing it anyway. Perhaps when I'm gone, if you're still living, you'll be able to look back on this and understand the errors in your perception of me. Although I hope you do so that you can understand how much you were truly loved, I really don't know if you'll ever understand.

Love,

Cal